What women want: panda hats

Recorded in a carefully constructed television set designed to look like the post-apocalyptic attic flat of a sad, lonely old man who collects defunct electrical equipment, Podcast 148 – the closest you’ll get to our THIRD BIRTHDAY PODCAST!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!! – is our subtle counterpoint to the Andy Gray/Richard Keys/hairy-handed sexism scandal: an hour-long tribute to women linesmen everywhere, and their basic human right to seek a “vagazzle” and have Premiership footballers “hanging out the back of of it.” You’ll have to listen to it to appreciate the full extent of our political correctness. (It was dark when we took the photograph, which is why it looks as grimy and grainy as Black Swan.)



Phew! Having almost broken both this podcast and the 6 Music show since last week, we finally start to mend things. Richard suggests introducing a “safe word” to our sado-masochistic faux-marriage: GEOFF LLOYD. So, whenever Richard goes too far in his violent, psychotic bullying of what he believes to be a fictional character, Andrew can say “GEOFF LLOYD” and Richard must stop. You can hear this in action in Podcast 147, where we discuss the morality of comedians doing adverts – again! – and the danger of sounding like you’re jealous of Paddy McGuinness on Twitter when you are not. Richard also fantasises about being an undercover policeman in the 1970s. And, spoiler alert, Andrew only has to say “GEOFF LLOYD” once. Yes, we know it’s spelt GEOFF LLYOD in the picture.


Well done to all nerds who supplied our alphabet made out of food on the 6 Music show on Saturday. It was the one good thing that came out of it. And look what Lucy did with the edible new font. (The whole alphabet will be up on the website within, ooh, days.)

The Andrew Collins Lectures

In this, our 146th podcast, we emerge from an abandoned first go, which descended into over-caffeinated shouting, but we kissed and made up, Andrew had a boiled egg, and we started anew. (You wouldn’t have liked it.) Thus, it’s conventional podcast satire ahoy, with a sideways look at Kenneth Tong, Colin Firth, Greg Davies, Edward Woollard, Simon and Kenny the guinea pigs, Sarah Palin, Steve Coogan, and the unfortunate but avoidable accident Richard had with a glass of sentimental value (seen here in jagged form before being responsibly disposed of). It’s great to be back. Click here to see how it’s doing.

Disk too slow

Our first podcast of 2011 finds us in a reflective but ultimately positive and upbeat mood, filled with hope and good cheer for the new year and all the challenges and opportunities for change and self-improvement and spiritual fulfillment it may bring: perhaps an unnecessary and expensive hair transplant like the already financially unstable Gordon Ramsay, or an unhealthy, slightly creepy obsession with a murder case like the Sun and the Mirror, or a documentary about yourself on Channel 4 like Britain’s Fattest Man, or the living nightmare of a vast, intricately staged Truman Show-style illusion in which your so-called life is populated by actors on a loop whose job it is to make every development in your existence here on earth seem like a cruel and ironic joke designed to drive you to nervous breakdown or suicide or the decision to sell your house and go and do missionary work in India, or at the very least a few sad Tweets. But despite all this, we vow to carry on doing the podcast FOREVER. If Richard’s stupid Mac “disk” lets us. (His disk is all part of The Truman Show, too, of course.)

It will come here when it’s ready.