In Podcast 166, Richard takes sluggish to new levels and Andrew singularly fails to awaken the Kracken of his usually ebullient personality, even when he reveals that Malcolm X wrote a prototype of the famous joke, “I’m not saying I’m Jesus, that is for other people to say,” and tries to recruit him for further singalongs, including The Dambusters Theme. Further attempts are made to enliven Richard for what must surely be our last podcast if he keeps this up, including a potentially lively discussion about politically correct censorship of dogs and centipedes, during which Richard inadvertently conceives his next two BBC pitches. (You’ll have to listen to find out what they are.) Meanwhile, his actual BBC comedy drama script languishes unwritten for over an hour, with the last word written – “help” – taking on a whole new profound significance. We can only apologise. Blame Ricky Gervais at the Seinfeld aftershow. And yes, that is the turquoise plastic fork that is the envy of tiny babies everywhere.
At last! The Podcast 165 Show! Although we threatened the end the podcast last week, we decided to keep it going for one more week, as Andrew was coming round to Richard’s anyway before they went off to see Jerry Seinfeld at the O2 Arena in London and they had some time to kill. On a swelteringly hot day, in order to get through one more podcast, Andrew was forced to drink some pinot grigio blush beforehand, and a single 4% proof American beer during, while Richard didn’t. The highlights are forensically well-remembered Monty Python sketches and songs, which may baffle our younger listeners, but which will transport people in their forties and fifties to a happier time for British comedy when stand-ups did not earn £4 million a year, just like Russell Howard doesn’t now. This podcast also stands as a tribute-cum-warning to national treasure Stewart “Wart” Lee. If you were in Mrs Markilee’s class at Cobden Junior School in Loughborough circa 1975 and recognise yourself in this photograph, do get in touch! Let’s hope Seinfeld is on more disciplined comedic form. Altogether now: Immanuel Kant was a real pissant, he was very rarely etc. etc.
And here’s the photo flipped round. (It’s the first photo taken with Photo Booth on Andrew’s new MacBook, about which you will hear on the podcast.)
It’s Podcast 164, which shall be called Podcast 165, because we can’t count. No, it is 164. It is. Because the last one was 163, which is the number that comes before it. The question is: will it be the LAST EVER Collings & Herrin Podcast? The two double espressos inside Richard’s system certainly did their best to make it so, as did the combined force of three machines of loving grace: the Tascam DR-100 which refused to reformat itself in time for us to use it, and was still reformatting when we’d finished, and our two Macs (Richard’s GarageBand broke down, and so did Andrew’s, at different points, and for different reasons, except it was the same reason, which is: The Terminator is coming true). Anyway, Ryan Giggs, Imogen Thomas, Art Blakey, Barack Obama, Benedict Cumberbatch, Rufus Hound … these are some of the people we talk about. But only one of them is a magic pixie. Find out who by listening to what may be the longest podcast we’ve ever done. But it may be our last. So. This podcast was not sponsored by Paddy Power.
In podcast 163, we start free-forming and spitballing Richard’s next Edinburgh show, What Is Love Anyway?, by having a shouting match about whether Prince Charles fancies Camilla Parker-Bowles, his wife, more than he fancies Pippa Middleton, the sister of his daughter-in-law, and if, when asked, he says he does fancy Camilla more than Pippa, he’s lying or simply making a compromise based on the sum of her parts. It’s going to be a hell of a show. Despite being a little frazzled between a 60-mile train journey from Northampton and a whole day’s worth of DVD extras to film for Chris Evans Not That One, and a double-gig to perform at London’s Leicester Square Theatre, we still manage to squeeze some slightly grumpy and prudish gold out of Russell Brand’s trousers, the objective/subjective quality of Richard’s 43-year-old rump and whether or not Andrew has reviewed Attack The Block. (In the picture is a nice kitten, and the knee of Richard’s ripped tracksuit bottoms, which is a squash burn.) He has reviewed Attack The Block.
Due to a superinjunction, Podcast 162 contains nothing. Except a bit about Pippa Middleton’s bum. And Stewart Lee’s Teflon coating. And the superinjunctions. And bin Laden’s pants. And that’s it. What can we do? The law is the law.
Yes! (That’s: YES!) First with all the big news stories, we devote the whole of Podcast 161 to – SPOILER ALERT! – the news that a man has been killed in another country who may or may not have been armed and may or may not have used a woman as a shield. We don’t actually, but because Richard has – YES! – been booked at the very last minute to do Radio 4’s The News Quiz, he is suddenly all keen to do topical material and work up some of the most obvious gags he can think of. We also cover the – YES! – continuing christian jihad against his show Christ On A Bike as it rolls, relatively unharmed, out of the infidel badlands of East Anglia and into the underpopulated wilds of Presbytarian Scotland. And by the way, they do collect the bins on a Bank Holiday. YES, they do.
Another one from the tank! In our tireless quest to keep you all topped up at all times until we are all dead, we present another pre-record, Podcast 160 – a very unhelpful score in darts – in which we answer questions posed via Twitter two weeks ago. Because we had threatened to record this one while assembling Richard’s new snooker table, many of the questions were snooker related (and not all of them as hilarious as “Pink or brown?”), but some weren’t, which means we cover areas as diverse and rich as the cruelty or otherwise of zoos, the death of the printed page in our lifetimes and which is better, Big Break or Pot Black? In the action shot to accompany this Moral Maze-style podcast, Andrew tries to defeat Richard’s electronic handheld device with his old-fashioned paper-based handheld device called a rolled-up New Yorker magazine.
Another from the tank again this week, Podcast 159 was recorded two weeks ago, and is, as is now traditional, based upon your questions posed via the miracle of Twitter. Such as: what object would you rescue in a fire (the clue is pictured – listen to the podcast to find out why!), what do you think of AV (yes, some of the questions were that interesting), could you beat Adam and Joe in a fight, have you broken a bone, which three comedy sketches would you take to a desert island and what would we do if we passed Steve Coogan in the corridor: nod, or stop and chat? I bet you’re dying to find out what our answers were!
Be gentle with us: this is only the second time we have recorded a podcast – Podcast 158 – using the new Tosscom DR-10000000 digital recorder, whose HD sound quality was so good last time that audiophiles threw their hats in the air and jumped for joy … before catching their hats, putting them back on and starting to complain and moan and whine about the large file size. Give us a break. It was the first time we’d used the thing! And Richard is on tour! And he’s all tired! And we’re both very busy! And we’re recording two at a time! For you! You ungrateful bastards! Anyway, let’s hope this file size is more agreeable to you, and that you don’t fall asleep at the end like Richard did. We dedicate this podcast to James Bull and Jonathan Williams (pictured) and we hope their second date goes well.
A new dawn for the Collings & Herrin podcast: 157 has been recorded on a Tascam DR-100 portable digital recorder (pictured, tipping its black foam hat), which Richard bought online in the middle of the night while on tour and which came with a free 6’x3′ snooker table. Whether we should have had the new machine switched to UNI or OMNI is still a moot point, but hopefully not a mute point, eh, audiophiles? And we know the file size is too big – it was almost too big to send to Orange Mark, but we frankly time-poor, and had to get on with recording Podcast 159 for two weeks’ hence. (Someone called pkx166h is very cross with us for putting out a large file, as he or she found that it clogged up their iTunes while it downloaded. You can read his/her angry comments here.)
Let us know what you think of our new HD direction, which, this week, is mainly about catching up on the last three weeks – which is the longest we’ve ever been apart since March 2008, before which, of course, we were nearly always apart. So, it’s Richard’s conditioner nightmare, the Zion Baptist protests and Andrew’s Andrew Collins Twitter name tropical storm story, perhaps his finest since Lion Man. At one point, you can hear Andrew blowing his nose and then the rustle of the tissue as he disposes of it. Not sure if you needed to hear that, but audiophiles had better get a tissue ready for it.