Three per household

Richard is officially on tour of this land, ergo we enter a tricky period in the Collings & Herrin podcasting calendar, and will get together whenever we can. However, we will be recording two for every one, so that “spares” will be in the tank and ready to release in our dual absence. We’re really not sure you deserve it. Anyhow. In Podcast 151, fuelled in Richard’s case by a variety of different caffeine sources, we celebrate the Royal Engagement Gold Plated Photographic Coin, available for £39.99 +£3.99 postage and packaging but only three per household, the impression of a bloated spider being pulled off currently by Colonel Gadaffi, the suicide of Masterchef, the sexual allure of Russell Kane in a dress and its significance towards a utopian future in which all men and ladies have the same equipment, and we mark the sad passing of Brigadier Letherbridge Stewart off of Doctor Who (1969-1989). Also, do you, like Peet Clack, think Andrew looks like this Muppet?

Hi, my name is Larry

Richard’s back from Maldives International with some colour in his cheeks, a whiff of seafood curry about his pores and some exciting seabird knowledge, Andrew’s back from Braintree Freeport railway station with far too much information about David Cameron’s Big Society, two new 6 Music boyfriends and a Radio 4 casting-couch pass, and we’re back in the attic for Podcast 150, a good-natured catch-up after two weeks’ break from each other in which we discuss the malleable nature of xenophobia, the etiquette of squirting lagoon water out of your mouth while honeymoon couples are eating nearby and the sweetness of Larry the Downing Street cat. It goes a bit weird at one point, but we rise above it, despite jetlag. [WARNING: CONTAINS SONG!]

We love 2006

Bonus! Another one! Even though Richard is still in the Maldives, or an adjacent morgue, wearing a Sombrero or whatever people wear in the Maldives, here is another bonus podcast, this time with an historic and even archeological twist. Think back to the end of 2006, when podcasts were still a new-fangled invention, and Andrew had his own weekend show on 6 Music, on which Richard appeared each week as a guest, for half an hour. This is the “pretend podcast” version of one of those guest appearances, badly mixed in Richard’s favour, and full of bonhomie and reverence. We hope you enjoy this memento and that it makes you feel that you have turned back time. (Eagle-eyed nerds will spot that the accompanying pic is from early 2007, but it’s close enough.) You don’t deserve us.

Belt up

Bonus! Even though Richard is mainlining pina collada with an umbrella made of existential disappointment stuck in the top in the Maldives with his imaginary girlfriend, we bring you Podcast 149, which was recorded (contrary to what we say in the intro) on October 29, 2010, in Richard’s VW Golf on the Eastbound M4 from Bristol to London. We hope you enjoy it, and especially the names on the sides of lorries that Andrew feels the Rain Man-style need to read out. There’s a very exciting bit where Richard has to stop to fill up the car with petrol. Another bonus podcast next week, even though Richard will still be in the Maldives, drowning in pina and collada.

What women want: panda hats

Recorded in a carefully constructed television set designed to look like the post-apocalyptic attic flat of a sad, lonely old man who collects defunct electrical equipment, Podcast 148 – the closest you’ll get to our THIRD BIRTHDAY PODCAST!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO US!!! – is our subtle counterpoint to the Andy Gray/Richard Keys/hairy-handed sexism scandal: an hour-long tribute to women linesmen everywhere, and their basic human right to seek a “vagazzle” and have Premiership footballers “hanging out the back of of it.” You’ll have to listen to it to appreciate the full extent of our political correctness. (It was dark when we took the photograph, which is why it looks as grimy and grainy as Black Swan.)

Safe

Phew! Having almost broken both this podcast and the 6 Music show since last week, we finally start to mend things. Richard suggests introducing a “safe word” to our sado-masochistic faux-marriage: GEOFF LLOYD. So, whenever Richard goes too far in his violent, psychotic bullying of what he believes to be a fictional character, Andrew can say “GEOFF LLOYD” and Richard must stop. You can hear this in action in Podcast 147, where we discuss the morality of comedians doing adverts – again! – and the danger of sounding like you’re jealous of Paddy McGuinness on Twitter when you are not. Richard also fantasises about being an undercover policeman in the 1970s. And, spoiler alert, Andrew only has to say “GEOFF LLOYD” once. Yes, we know it’s spelt GEOFF LLYOD in the picture.

Four wise men


In a tradition that now stretches back to 2008, we join festive forces with the heavily bearded Messrs Phill Jupitus and Phil Wilding for a Festive 12: that is, an overmanned Christmas edition of their now rarer-than-a-corncrake Perfect 10. This is the special Collings & Herrin Remix – ie. extended, laptop-recorded, very much pointed at Andrew and Richard – of what is otherwise available from Phill and Phil as an exquisitely recorded, balanced, arranged and edited Studio Mix, complete with Andre “Towel Thief” Vincent as the jingle Santa. Ours is clearly better, if only for the 10 extra bonus minutes at either end of us getting into character in an airless booth in Central London. There’s stuff about bad behaviour and awful Christmas films and heartache and abuse and the elasticity of Patricia Routledge, and it’s the perfect way to get into the Christmas mood. Merry Christmas, one and all, from all of us. There will be a regular, numbered C&H Podcast sometime between Christmas and New Year. Wallop, or something.

Answer us this!

In Podcast 143, or Podcast 202 according to the Tugwell Scale, or Podcast 203 depending on whether or not you include the most recent 6 Music podcast which actually became available while we were recording this one [when it is available, it will be available here, and on iTunes], we endure more Mac-based laptop misery when Richard’s “much better” MacBook packs up censoriously at about eight minutes, just before Richard describes in detail what he saw when a plumber showed him video footage of what was in his blocked toilet waste pipe. Agreeing that we can never recapture the magic of that section again (you will just have to imagine it), we move on, with some frankly less scintillating material about cables, John Harris, the Duchess of Cornwall, Frankie Boyle, Stewart Lee, Helen and Olly off of Faber’s Answer Me This podcast book – which you can buy here – and God. Once again, we decide to stop podcasting forever, but probably won’t. May as well push on to Podcast 144 before we both keel over. Comedy historians may enjoy this exclusive shot of Herring & Lee’s only two magazine covers, one of which is what’s called “in focus” due to being an illustration. Merry Christmas.

When the lights went out

Is it Podcast 142, or is it, according to rogue podcast counter Graham Tugwell, Podcast 200? It’s Podcast 142, although it may well be our 200th podcast, if you include 6 Music podcasts and other ephemera, as Graham Tugwell has done. It’s a celebration either way, as Richard regresses to smutty schoolboy state and creates yet another brilliant dystopian sci-fi movie pitch based on, shall we say, geometry and biology. The Wikileaks story might dominate were it not for more pressing matters such as the return of the Times Cryptic Crossword Book 13, the tagline for Ken Follett’s latest novel, Mark Watson’s Hurt Locker, and the incoming Loaded Lafta award nominations, in which this podcast is beaten to the shortlist by a number of podcasts that aren’t even regular podcasts. Note: this podcast was recorded during a localised, nostalgic power cut and while you listen to it, you should imagine the battery bar of Andrew’s laptop inching perilously close to the left. It’s on 18% power as I type this. Exciting!

PS: Directly after the power cut podcast, we travelled through the inclement snowy weather to Central London to record a Comedy Central Utter Shambles podcast, in a professional studio, with producers, and music stands, with Robin Ince and Josie Long, for future release. We’ll let you know when it’s coming out. Possibly before Christmas.

Gawd, you don’t half go on

Sorry, belated blog entry for Podcast 141, in which we face death, in the face, and not just Bernard Matthews’. Not to mention the extortionate costs of hiring a people-carrier with a ridiculous name that most people would be too embarrassed to ask for on the phone, the intricacies of our close showbiz pal Jason Manford’s career-change (actually, this bit is cut off in the middle, due to a fetish fridge magnet – pictured – sent us as an act of sabotage by somebody whose name Richard can’t remember), the confusingly fragrant nature of middle class female student rioters and its impact on the political compass of the Daily Mail, the counterintuitive behaviour of people who vote for people who are rubbish on TV reality and talent shows, and the coming potato famine in Ireland. Do not put a magnet near this podcast, as it might make it disappear.

BIG NEWS! Apparently, according to Graham Podcast-Counter, next week’s is officially our 200th podcast. We may celebrate. Or just carry on as normal.

COMMERCE: Pre-order the new Collings & Herrin podcast CD (with DVD extra!), War and Peace, Crime and Punishment, from the VAT-registered Go Faster Stripe here.

A REMINDER: We need festive questions to pluck from a fetching hat for our annual mash-up with Phill and Phil for The Perfect Twelve podcast. Here are some pictures of 2008’s jovial, studio-quality occasion to get you in the tinselly mood. Post the questions here if you like, or send via here, or here.